Nights alone..

I'm not soo good at this. Not that there is a " right " or " wrong " way to write on your own blog. Since I've lived in Kelowna ( Aug 5th ) I don't think I've truly been happy. I've tried to fit in too many ways. I joined cheerleading, I tried to be " classy " all day, and thats not me. I don't care what my hair looks like ( yet i'm still worried about what people think of me? ) I LOVE cheerleading, but I didnt like who I was becoming while doing it. So that got pushed aside. Now I'm just going to school from 9-11:45 at what we call " Retard Academy" its pretty much were all the " rejects " go. The kids who don't care about school but know they have to get it done, the ones who you find smoking pot outside the school building right before class, or the come to class drunk or high out of their minds.. not exactly the BEST place to pick up friends for a recovering Drug addict ;) So I go to school, sit alone, and then take the long bus ride back home and I'll be in my room by noon. Which leaves me lots of time to think , think about who I want to become, who I was, and Who i am. Its gotten me down alot, but I've been trying to be more Optamistic these days its not exactly the easiest thing , especially to do it alone..
             Just looking back on the past few months to a year, I've met some really great people who have touched my heart, but not all in a good way. I still talk to him, But hes let me down so much, more times then I should have let him, and each time my heart got stomped on and I can't just " push it aside" like people have told me too, I promised i'd never leave him.. and I think hes taking that to his advantage...He ALWAYS has something come up.. and with out knowing him i've given him my heart , my day, i find myself talking to him on msn like we're best friends.. he tells me everything I want to hear, but then he stabs me in the back like i'm just another piece of shit... But why cant I say goodbye? I'm going to the town he lives in for my bday... and I told him the night i'm going out... and thats it... If I'm " SOOO " special to him.. he'll either make my bday good, or make it the worst one possible... I guess i have 40 something sleeps till we find out. Wish me luck

I reacently have been thinking about the past... and I've realized I push people away when I get close to them because I'm scared of being hurt.. for the past 4 years I've dealt with backstabbers, " friends " who would give up your "hiding spot" if it ment for their lives to be safe ( metaphorically speaking) and I'm just scared thats whats going to happen again.
I pusehd away a boy I cared for , and not even thinking about it I'm really slowly but, still pushing away my newest sister to the family.  I don't talk to my family because I'm not convinced they are as proud as me as my older siblings..My oldest brother has gone to school 100 times for every other occupation out there and married.. My Oldest sister is a vet with 3 amazing kids and a very supportive husband. My second oldest sister is on her 4th? year of university for nursing, and I can hardly get through HIGHSCHOOL? heck I can't even stay 6 months clean!
      I don't even know what to do anymore.... this lonliness is going to kill me... I also recently started talking to " the boy i let go " wanna cross off something HARD on your bucketlist? Try being Best Friends with your ex. yeah, thats fun :)  Not buying it? yeah me either, i can't even convince myself  its a good idea..
What the Heck Tory ( R.I.P)  you promised me it was mind over matter.... i guess not in this case..

xox. Lonely Princess